Director Jewels: 'Fessing Up: I'm Not Proud of Today

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

'Fessing Up: I'm Not Proud of Today

When people tell you that moms don't sleep much, they're really not kidding.  I didn't really sleep at all last night.  There were a few snatches throughout the night, but it was overall a very very long night, and as a result - today was just...hard. 

Please don't read this and think that I'm searching for a "solution" to fix my kids.  I can't emotionally handle letting them cry it out.  I have wonderful friends who have had fabulous success with CIO, but it's just not my thing.  I prefer to comfort and help them back to sleep as much as I can.  So, maybe it's partly my own fault that I find myself in this place.  But - it is what it is.  I chose to have these little ones, and I like to think I embrace the responsibilities that come with having kids who are 21 months apart, with neither actually sleeping through the night.  Maybe I've created little monsters because I let them nurse whenever they desire - yes, both of them. 

Lincoln, Mommy, Addie. Curled up in our corner couch spot.

I choose to believe that someday all of these exhausting moments are going to pay off.  I know that I have been given an incredible gift from God in these two precious little lives.  And I strive so very hard to appreciate every moment.

But I did not appreciate very much about today.

Why?  Here's my timeline from last night:

6:15- Pysch up because we're doing bedtime a little early tonight since naps were poor and everyone is really tired.
6:30- 20-minute family walk in the neighborhood to calm everyone down and (hopefully) make them sleepy.
7:00- Both kids in the bath. Lincoln dumps water all over the bathroom floor, Addie decides that having water in her neck rolls is the worst thing ever.
7:10- PJs, lotion, "me" (binky), stories with Daddy.
7:20- Lincoln nurses while Addie screams bloody murder.
7:30- Daddy stays with Lincoln in his room. I takes Addie, wrap her in a swaddle, and start nursing in my room.
8:00- Lincoln is asleep. Addie is asleep on my lap, but I'm afraid to move her.
8:30- Try to put her down. Fail. She's wide awake and fussing.
8:35- More nursing.
9:00- Addie is wide awake after another try at putting her in bed. She rolls around on the living room floor and plays with Lincoln's trucks.
9:20- Start nursing again.
10:15- Finally, after many many attempts, Addie is successfully asleep and in bed.
10:20- I sit in a zombie-like state in the living room, afraid to  move or do dishes or laundry in fear of waking her.
10:35- Andrew is done showering after his workout and we decide to go veg in front of an episode of TV while I catch up on email.
10:36- Addie wakes up, screaming.
10:40- Nursing recommences.
11:15- Addie back to sleep and in her bed.
11:20- Brush my teeth, wash my face.
11:22- Addie awake, screaming. Won't calm for Andrew.
11:30- Nursing in my bed again.

This is where it gets really hazy.  But here's what I know - we repeated this process until well after 2:30am.  I had an emotional breakdown at about 1:30.  Lincoln woke up around 1:45 or 2 and crawled in bed with us.  I don't think I was able to sleep at all until 3am.  And, that's where my memories stop.  But I'm pretty sure we were all 4 in our not-that-huge queen size bed from about 3:45-6:30am.

So, you see...it was rough.

It's not something I like to admit, but I am seriously ugly when I am in a state of exhaustion.  This current state had been building - we had the night described above after about a week of being up every few hours, every night.  And I can make all the excuses I want, but that's really no reason for me to go psychotic on my poor (also sleep-deprived) husband at 2am.  Nor to get frustrated at my sweet babies, who are just tired and need their mamaBut, I did.

I woke up this morning in a grumpy state, and stayed pretty grumpy most of the day.  I didn't bother putting in my contacts because my eyes hurt too much.  I actually almost passed out when I got out of bed this morning (a symptom I know very well from sleep-deprived-and-morning-sick pregnancy - not pregnant, though).  Lincoln watched more TV than I care to admit, and broke the toy bin, and threw bananas all over the floor.  Addie fussed because she wanted to nurse all day, and then spit up half of what she ate all over me.  So we both reeked of baby puke.

We all managed to be asleep at the same for about an hour this afternoon.  I didn't wake up refreshed, but it was a little better.  I still wasn't the happiest mama.

Excuse the arm.

What I should have done is, get up, put in the contacts, and get to work cleaning up the vast disaster area that is known as my kitchen.  After that, I could have worked on Mt. Laundry and baked the cookie dough that is in my fridge from yesterday. 

But I didn't.  We watched more TV.  We ate half a box of animal crackers.  My dad stopped by to help entertain Lincoln for awhile.  Andrew came home and made dinner for us, we bathed the kids and started the whole bedtime routine over again. And, this is what my living room looks like right now:

Remember how Lincoln broke the toy bin? Sigh.

So far tonight (at 11pm), Addie has only awakened once since 9:20.  This is progress, I think.  So, here's hoping I can learn to make some progress on my attitude. 


Sleep deprived or not, my favorite people in the whole wide world deserve a little bit more than a grumpy, irritable wife and mama.  Sorry guys.  Here's to a better tomorrow.

4 comments:

  1. I read this as I nurse my 8 month old. We have been having rough nights for a little over a week. I can't do the crying it out either, especially when my girls share a bedroom. It does get better. My 5 year old sleeps great, unless she is sick.

    Taking naps and not completing chores are a requirement for me after a really rough night.

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  2. I can totally relate. T o t a l l y. But I'm wondering if you can find something in-between crying it out (which I also can't do) and what you went through last night? I got nothin', just the observation that they seem like opposite extremes.

    Thanks for all the honesty. I think it is essential to authentic relationships and community.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I think I need to find some sort of middle ground plan to try with her - I'm kind of thinking it may be a growth spurt that we are dealing with, so hopefully we'll be back to normal soon!

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