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Thursday, May 15, 2014

I Hate Nurseries

Seriously. I hate them.

My kids don't spend much time in nursery situations. I'm blessed to be able to stay home with them, and I have family nearby when I need help. They have never been to daycare or a supervised playgroup or anything like that. So, their nursery experience is mostly limited to church.


I know that not everyone will agree with my opinion here, and that's fine. I freely confess to having an attachment parenting lifestyle, so just ignore my ramblings on the subject if you are not on the same page.

First, let's talk about this whole separation anxiety thing. Lincoln's anxiety has come and gone in the past three years. When going to the nursery or a church classroom, sometimes he is upset - but sometimes he is perfectly cheerful. Addie has never been okay with being left in a room with unfamiliar people. Never. She is a total basket case if I even step toward the door.

So, my strategy is this: just don't leave her. And it's not a very popular plan.

When she was tiny, it was easy. She just slept through the service or nursed in a rocking chair in the nursery and I said, eh, she'll grow out of it. She didn't. Now that she is almost eighteen months old, she certainly won't sit through a service. She's too busy to sit on my lap and she wants to chatter if we look at books and she sings at all the wrong times. So we last about fifteen minutes in church with everyone else, and then we hit the hallway. And the dread begins.

We walk down the hall and approach the nursery door. She backs away as soon as she sees it. I go in with her, to let her ease into the situation. She clings to me and cries if I even try to set her down. Then, it begins.

The kind and well-meaning nursery workers start to offer suggestions. Would she like a cup? Would she like a cracker? Does she want to go look out the window with them? And then, wouldn't I just like to leave her? She'll be just fine.

I've tried it many times in the past year. It doesn't work. She doesn't calm down when I leave. She cries hysterically. And I'm not cool with that - not one little bit.

I'm always assured that I will be retrieved if the crying becomes "too much." But the thing that bothers me about nurseries is this: why is it that someone else (most of the time a stranger) gets to determine when my child is crying hard enough to need me?

I'm sure that I'm viewed as the psycho helicopter parent who doesn't trust her kid with anyone, and I've decided I'm okay with that perception. One day, she's going to be Little Miss Independent and waltz off to a Sunday School class without a glance over her shoulder. Until that day, I'll be the mom playing with my kid on the nursery floor. It's not like I could concentrate on a sermon anyway, if I know my kid is screaming hysterically three rooms away.

Is there anyone else out there who hasn't made it through a complete church service since becoming a mom?! I can't be the only one.

14 comments:

  1. If it makes you feel better I'm getting familiar with the nursery too and if the nursery workers don't like it they haven't said so yet :)

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    1. I always feel judged when I don't just drop my kid off at the door, even if no one says anything about it. I should really make myself quit feeling this way! :)

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  2. I have a happily independent kid and a not - so - sure kid. Each time I drop one off I begin with the same mind-set, stay until it feels right to go. Nursery staff don't get to determine that for me.

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    1. Thanks for sharing - I am glad I'm not the only one dealing with this.

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  3. Me! Didn't get my first to stay in nursery until after my baby was born. And my now 15 month old baby wants absolutely nothing to do with it. I am holding out hope that he will do better in 6 months or so when he is big enough to be in his brother's class.

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    1. That's what I'm thinking too, Breanna - in 6 months, Addie will be able to go in Lincoln's class. I'm hoping that helps!

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  4. My son is 21 months and has always done perfectly fine when leaving him with family or the nursery. He's never been to a sitter or daycare either. I love being a mom and doing a lot of nurturing/attachment parenting stuff. I can understand about the crying. There is usually a reason they are crying and it's not good for their little selves to cry too hard. I know that when Levi cries in his bed before bedtime it's usually because he needs to go potty (ever heard of infant pottying?) or because he needs to eat or drink.

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    1. That's awesome that he has always been okay about it! Addie hated being left even with any of her grandparents for a very long time, too - I'm sooo glad she got over that!

      You are awesome for doing EC pottying. I am not sure if I'll ever try it, but as I am dealing with a three year old learning to potty right now, the idea of it is amazing!

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  5. We go to a very small church with no nursery so I usually miss at least part of the service to take one or more of the kids out. My kids have pretty much always been fine with me leaving them with someone else, but I have a friend whose daughter wasn't. So she kept her daughter with her all the time despite all the negative comments about that and now her daughter is 3 and perfectly fine with being left with anyone. Some kiddos just need Mama a little more than others and there's nothing wrong with that! They'll get their independence when they're ready.

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    1. It surprises me how much negativity there is when I'm just trying to make sure my kid feels safe. I truly don't think she is demanding attention or just whining, you know? I think it genuinely frightens her to be without me right now, so...stay with her, I will!

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  6. We are so fortunate that the twins are like "mom and dad who?" every time we go to church. It's actually unbelievable. But we haven't been able to go to church much these days thanks to our new one nap schedule. By the time we move the nap late enough in the day to go back to church, I just know our easy breezy days of the nursery are going to be over! Stranger anxiety is high over here, even with relatives! It's ok for them to need us now because you're right, one day they won't as much.

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    1. That is really nice, especially since you have two little ones! It is definitely unbelievable that you've had no issues with them being left in the nursery until now. I'm totally with you on the not getting to church thing, too. Between kids being up all night, illnesses, and naps, it seems like we make it only once every few weeks. Sigh! I know things will be easier once these kids are a little older. Just trying to enjoy the little years even though they are kind of crazy!!

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  7. I haven't even attempted leaving my little girl at the nursery. My MIL has taken her to the nursery a few times at her church, but she works in the nursery and is there with her. The times she has been needed elsewhere, baby girl was NOT ok with being left alone and my MIL ended up having to stay with her. She's 11 months old. I work outside of home, and I work a lot of overtime, so for one, I want to spend every second I can with her. Number two, I am NOT ok with leaving her while she's crying. I do NOT believe in letting babies "cry it out." We co-sleep.

    I'm not alone in my church. The lobby always has several of us parents and babies in it during the sermon. There are tv's in the lobby for this very reason.

    I'm raising her the same way I was raised and I know that, just as I did, she will become independent and spread her wings with the full confidence that has been instilled in her by our nurturing.

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    1. I co-sleep and don't believe it CIO either, Jennifer. That's so great that there are multiple families in your church who are still able to see the service while making sure their kids feel safe.

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